howtogiveapeptalk.mp3 - powered by Happy Scribe

You're listening to the MentalNotes podcast. In this episode, founder Scott Dow explains how to give a pep talk.

A great pep talk has three key ingredients. It has empathy, direction and a benefit. Now empathy grabs attention. It shows that you've listened, that you care and that you get it. Direction gives a plan. It's your advice in a nutshell, it reduces uncertainty, and it helps people focus. The benefit is the reason to act. It's reassuring, it's motivating, it connects all the dots.

Most people think that pep talks need to be upbeat, encouraging and full of positive thinking. They don't. In fact, I'd advise against it. It's just another cookie. It tastes good, but it has no nutritional value.

Now there's one more key point I want to make, and I want to use a quick story to share it. About six months ago, I gave a friend a pep talk. She had interviewed for a board seat at a big public company, and she didn't get the gig. In fact, the process seemed kind of rigged from the get go. There were a lot of politics involved, and she felt very misled. She was disappointed, to say the least. I tell you, she was mad, she was angry.

I empathized with her, but then made some very specific recommendations. I suggested that she send a note to every board member, thanking them, wishing them well and offering to stay in touch. Now she hated the idea, but she did hear me out. I reasoned that it would help her put the process behind her. And who knows? These people sit on a lot of other boards too, and something good might come from that direction.

When my pep talk ended, she wasn't smiling. She didn't thank me and she wasn't feeling any better. There was no immediate evidence that I could see that my pep talk was anything more than a waste of time.

But you know what? She called me last week. And she was over the moon happy. She brought up that call six, seven months ago. Now I had forgotten about it, but she hadn't. She said after a few days that she decided to follow my advice. And sure enough, two of the directors she had interviewed with reach back out to her. And those two discussions turned into not one but two board seats at even better companies.

So what's my point? Well, there's a couple points. Pep talks take time to set in. And here's why. When you're giving a pep talk, you're using your rational brain, but they're listening with their emotional brain. Now by empathizing, you can calm their emotional brain down some. It'll be more open and receptive to what you're sharing, but the rational thinking, it's not going to kick in for a while. In fact, in that moment, their emotional brain may resist some of your message. So don't expect your pep talk to click right away.

Don't put too much stock in their immediate reaction. Be empathetic, give clear direction, and a good reason to act.

So how do you practice giving pep talks? The best way to practice I know is by giving self pep talks. When you need a pep talk, think of yourself in the third person and acknowledge your feelings. Be empathetic with yourself. Show yourself a little compassion. Then give yourself advice focused on the potential benefit. Here's what it might sound like. Okay Scott, you're pissed. You don't agree with this decision, but you need to accept it and move on, because you need to be viewed as a team player.

That example included the three elements we've talked about. And I can assure you that the more you practice on yourself, the easier this is with others.