Album 1: Self-Coaching
This album focuses on Self-coaching, a system that enables your ongoing development as a leader.
Transcripts
Trailer
SelfCoachingTrailer.mp3 - powered by Happy Scribe
You're listening to the MentalNotes Podcast. In this episode, MentalNotes founder Scott Dow explains what's in the self-coaching album you're about to listen to.
If you want to improve at anything, have to practice. But the problem is most people don't know how to practice. And those that do don't make the time. If you know how to practice and you can work it into your daily routine, great things are going to happen. You're going to compound your growth, day in and day out. You're going to get better. And that's our goal with this podcast.
Self-coaching is the key. It's a practice plan we've developed for people like you. It's a system you can use while getting real work done. And you can apply it to any skill. That's what this album is all about. Each episode in this album is devoted to a different aspect of the self-coaching system.
So how self-coaching work and what is the system? Here it is in a nutshell. We're going to teach you how to learn while getting real work done. Then you're going to take what you've learned and turn it into a mental model, a mental picture of what you're trying to accomplish. Then you're going to mentally rehearse the behaviors you're trying to replicate.
Now it's not easy, and we know that. When you're facing a common leadership challenge and you're under the gun, we're going to teach you how to think constructively and act wisely, managing your emotions and choosing your best thoughts. And we're going to teach you how to practice self-reflection because that's how you stay in a positive mindset.
This is a proprietary process we've developed over the last 10 years. It's based on empirical scientific research. We've leveraged the research from the world's leading universities and the latest advances in brain science. We've refined the process through thousands of coaching interventions. And now we're sharing it with you.
Think of self coaching this way, highly successful people have two things in common. First, they get the most out of whatever they have to offer that day. They figured out how to be the best version of themselves, regardless of the challenge and regardless of the conditions.
The second thing is this, they also keep growing. They keep developing more to offer. They keep expanding their comfort zone. Now it ain't easy. It's easy to say, but it's really hard to do.
To expand your comfort zone, you have to keep venturing outside that comfort zone. You have to leave your safe space. It can be scary. It's hard work. It takes skill, confidence, and most of all, it takes a plan. It takes a system that works. And that's what self-coaching is. I hope you enjoy this album.
Episode 1
TheRoadToSuccess.mp3
You're listening to the MentalNotes podcast. In this episode, MentalNotes founder, Scott Dow explains why success changes like the weather.
So what does the weather and a Broadway actor have to do with your success? I know that sounds kind of arbitrary, but there is a connection and I'm going to share what it is. It starts with this story.
I live part time on the upper West side of New York City. I love it up here because my neighborhood is a petri dish of highly successful people. Now how I got into this neighborhood is still a mystery but that's a story for another day. There's plenty of the rich and famous in my neighborhood, but I'm not referring to them. I mean, highly successful people you've never heard of that have reached the very top of their field. People from the worlds of finance, medicine, academia. And yes, there's plenty of actors, Broadway stars and musicians, but they have one thing in common.
Over the last number of years, they've allowed me to study how they think about success. And I've had one major takeaway, one big takeaway that I want to share with you. It can be summed up in a conversation I have with a woman that's old enough to be my mom. So she's up there. Sorry, mom.
The lady performed on and off Broadway for nearly 50 years. She had a great career, and she's one of my favorite people in the world. She said to me one day, Scottie, success is like the weather. It's always changing. Now she grew up in the South, so I thought it was just another one of our Southern sayings, but it wasn't. It was a whole lot more. She explained that most people think of success as sunny days. Success is the perfect temperature, it's a nice breeze, it's a beautiful sunset.
She thought of sunny days kind of as the trappings of success, all the things that she had worked so hard to enjoy. But to her, success included all of the rainy days too. She said that most people thought of success as an outcome, and that made her sad. The road to success, she said, is where we live most of our lives.
Her point, we've got to embrace the bad weather. It's going to get cold, it rains and the fog is going to roll in. The road to success is really hard work. It's raincoats and umbrellas, and it's filthy snow. New Yorkers know about filthy snow. She thought of success as both the trappings of success in the road to success. She didn't distinguish between the two, and that's the common theme I found across every interview, every interview I've conducted.
High performers view success not as an outcome, but as an ongoing process. To enjoy the trappings of success, you have to embrace the road to success. Sunny days are a whole lot more enjoyable after a string of harsh weather. The way you think about success is going to determine your approach to personal development.
Now there are four key points I want you to keep in mind, and the first thing is this. Success is the process, it's not an outcome. It's a weather pattern of both rainy and sunny days. Second thing is this. The road to success does not feel successful. It takes hard work. It's raincoats and umbrellas. It takes resilience and it takes patience. Third thing is this. The trappings of success are very, very fragile. That bonus you just got or that big promotion, the positive feelings of that are going to wear off. It's going to begin to fade over time.
And fourth and finally, enjoy the sunshine but embrace the rain. Some people struggle to stay successful. The people that enjoy success and stay on the road to success, They keep doing the work. They keep pushing outside their comfort zone. It's hard work, but they embrace the rainy days.
Now as you think about your personal development, keep this story in mind. To stay successful, you have to stay on the road to success. You have to keep pushing outside your comfort zone. You can enjoy the sun, but you have to embrace the rain.
Episode 2
ThrivingOutsideYourComfortZone2 (1).mp3 - powered by Happy Scribe
You're listening to the MentalNotes podcast. In this episode, MentalNotes founder Scott Dow shares six strategies for personal development.
So what do Oprah Winfrey and Arnold Schwarzenegger have to do with your success? Or what about the Pilot Sully Sullenberger and former President George W Bush? Let me explain about them and a few others. And I'll start with champion Golfer Phil Mickelson.
Phil Mickelson learned to play golf by mimicking his father's swing. That's why the right-handed Mickelson plays golf left-handed. He became a mirror image of his father's right-handed swing. Sally Sullenberger landed a commercial airplane on the Hudson River with 155 people on board using a mental image of what would work. Arnold Schwarzenegger became a successful bodybuilder, actor and politician by mentally rehearsing over and over his poses, his scenes and his speeches.
On 9/11, George W bush managed his emotion so he could make the rational decisions needed to lead the country. Kobe Bryant set practice goals that included 800 shots a day. Joe Damasio swung imaginary pitches in the basement of Yankee Stadium and kept a record of every one of his practices. Oprah Winfrey practices empathy, gratitude, and mindfulness, and says that you can't have a meaningful life without having self-reflection.
So what do these people have to do with your success? Well, here's what. If you want to get on and stay on the road to success, you need a plan. And that plan needs strategies that work. And I just shared six strategies that work. I know they work because I've spent 20 years, my company has spent 20 years researching high performance across all walks of life.
So here's what the research says. Most learning, like watching and mimicking others, is done informally. That's how Phil Mickelson became a left-handed golfer. Skill development starts with a mental picture, a mental image of what good looks like, of what works. That's all Sully Sullenberger had that day when he landed in the Hudson. Mental practice like the visualization exercises Arnold Schwarzenegger did are nearly as effective as actual physical practice.
Emotional thoughts are five times faster than rational thoughts. But George W Bush knew that and manage that on 9/11. Your practice has to be focused, planned, and measured against the goal, just like Kobe Bryant and Joe Damasio did.
Optimism is fueled by gratitude, empathy, and mindfulness, which are all forms of the self-reflection that Oprah Winfrey practices. The MentalNote self-coaching model is based on all these strategies. It's a plan you can follow to not just find the road to success, but to stay on the road to success. Whatever your professional goals are, self-coaching will help get you there.
Episode 3
PracticingwithPurpose2.mp3 - powered by Happy Scribe
You're listening to the MentalNotes podcast. In this episode, MentalNotes founder, Scott Dow, explains two different ways to practice.
Okay, I want to tell you a story about two different golfers on the PGA Tour, their two different practice methods, and how those practice methods affected their careers. And it all starts with the three of us sitting around dinner one night. It was early in the week, say a Monday or Tuesday. On the PGA Tour, these are practice days, and I admit the two guys for dinner.
Now a little back story. These two guys were friends and one of them loved to practice, spent a lot of time on the practice range, and he was making a lot of money. But the other pro wasn't. He wasn't practicing as much and he wasn't making anywhere near as much money. You see where the story is going, but stick with me for a second.
The more successful golfer had spent six hours practicing that day. He was in a really good mood. You could tell he had had a good day. He felt like he had had a very productive day. The other pro hadn't spent anywhere near as much time practicing. He said he practiced about three or four hours. But even though he had practiced last time, he was in a really sour mood and he looked exhausted.
Now the conversation, good-nature conversation goes back and forth for a while. But then the better player says to his buddy, you need to cheer up. If you want to make more money, all you need is a better attitude about practice. Now I kept my mouth shut but I tended to agree.
Now his friend thought for a moment and said something that really stuck with me. He looked back at his buddy that was making more money and enjoying practice. And he said, you know what? You're grooving, I'm grinding. There's a difference. I'm going to repeat that. He said, you're grooving, I'm grinding. There's a difference.
The better player really got a kick out of that statement. And he knew exactly what his friend meant. If a pro is grooving their swing, they're simply refining the things that they're already good at. It's less stressful, it's comfortable. Hell, it's easy. That's what the better player was doing. He was grooving. The pro that wasn't making as much money was grinding. He was working on all the stuff he wasn't good at. That's why it was stressful, it was uncomfortable, it was such hard work.
So what's my point? As you think about your personal development, you have to decide if you want to groove or grind. Do you want to refine what you're already good at or do you want to put in the work to get better?
Now before you answer, I want to give you the rest of the story. I continued working with these two guys for the next four years. Now the groover had a nice career but he didn't improve much. In fact over time, his career began to slowly fade. Now the grinder, that was a different story. He started to win more and more prize money. In fact, over those next four years, his earnings more than doubled his buddy's. He even won one of the most prestigious tournaments on the PGA Tour.
So there are a couple of key takeaways, and the first one's this. The amount of practice you do isn't as important as the quality of practice. Remember, the grinder that day, in any day, never spend as much time practicing as the groover did. Second thing is this. Effective practice is really hard work. That's why the grinder was exhausted and in a sour mood, that in most days after he spent his time on the practice range.
And the third and final thing is this, the most important point. To get better, you have to grind. If you spend all your time refining what's already comfortable, you're going to get comfortably stuck in your comfort zone. Remember this, personal development begins where your comfort zone ends. Growth lives outside your comfort zone. Success is enjoyable and it's comfortable, but the road to success isn't. It's not comfortable. It's really hard work.
We're going to be talking about self coaching, and I want you to think of self coaching as your practice plan. It's a roadmap for navigating outside your comfort zone. It's a plan to help you grind on skills you don't have today. And I promise you, it'll help you today, but it's going to help you tomorrow, and it'll help you along into your future.
Episode 4
InformalLearning.mp3 - powered by Happy Scribe
You're listening to the MentalNotes podcast. In this episode, MentalNotes founder Scott Dow explains how to learn while getting real work done.
If you're going to self-coach, you've got to be able to learn on the go. You have to trigger your own learning opportunities. You have to squeeze knowledge out of everyday life. It's not easy, but I've got good news. Everything you need to know about adult learning or informal learning, you can learn from a child.
Let me explain. I have four grown kids and they're all very different. But then when they were little kids, five year old, seven year old, whatever, they had the same favorite word. And that word was "why". Daddy, why do zebras have stripes? Daddy, why don't kids have beards? Daddy, why does storms scare dogs?
Parents know what I'm talking about. My kids were no different than all the other little kids. They had child-like curiosity. But as adults, we tend to lose that child-like curiosity. And when we do, we start missing out on learning opportunities.
Think about it this way. Think about little kids. They're fed by adults, right? Their meals and snacks are provided for them. They get their nourishment, their food in a very structured fashion.
But we educate them the same way. They go to pre-school, grammar school and high school, and they're spoon-fed this curriculum. But when kids become teenagers, they start getting their own food, their own meals. It's liberating. They get to eat with their friends. They get to eat more of what they want. They become self-sufficient.
The problem is that doesn't happen with learning. Most people assume that learning still has to be formal. You have to have an instructor. You have to have this set curriculum. But you don't. Adults take responsibility for nourishing their body, and you have to take the same responsibility for nourishing your mind.
There are three learning strategies you can learn from a child. And the first one says, "Be curious. Embrace the child-like curiosity. Get good at asking why." There are people out there doing exactly what you want to do. Find where they are. Be curious. Ask them questions. People are happy to share their experience. There's a wealth of knowledge out there you can tap into. You just have to ask. You have to ask why.
The second thing is this, watch and learn. Early in my business career, I volunteered as a high school basketball coach. I coached the freshman basketball team at Jesuit High School in Dallas. And my oldest son would travel to games with us. He was maybe five or six at the time, and he'd sit on the bench with us during games.
He became a favorite of our parents, our students, and even some of the officials because he'd mimic me. He was called Mini Me. When I stood, he stood. When I clapped, he clapped. When I stomped my foot and yelled at the ref, he would too. The refs really got a kick out of that.
My point is this. Children learn by watching and mimicking others, and you should too. We as adults can too. But you have an advantage over kids. You're able to be more selective about what you mimic. Kids sometimes mimic bad behaviors like stomping their foot on the ground and hollering at officials. But we don't have to, we have the value of perspective and judgment. There are people out there doing exactly what you want to do. They're called role models for a reason. Find them. Be curious. Watch them in action and mimic their positive actions.
And the third thing is this. Kids learn through trial and error. Failure doesn't stop them. Have you ever watched a kid learn how to ride a bike? It's not pretty. They're wobbling back and forth. They're falling and getting banged up. And there's maybe even some tears. But you know what? Through trial and error, they figure it out. They plow through the learning curve, the growth curve, and they figure it out.
There's something out there you want to get good at. Dive in. Experiment. Don't let failure stop you. It's a process. Each failure gets you closer to pedaling that bike on your own.
So here's how you practice adult learning or informal learning. I want you to start small. Pick one thing you want to get good at. Now, you need to set practice goals. Your first goal is to find someone with knowledge on the subject. Ask the person's permission to pick their brain. You'll be surprised how open people are. Be a curious child. Ask why.
The second goal is this. Find someone that's good and what you want to be good at, and find a way to watch them in action. Study them. You might be able to kill two birds with one stone. The person with knowledge on the subject might also allow you to watch them in action.
And your third goal is this. Get on the bike. Start pedaling. Start doing what you want to be good at. Fail often, and fail fast. That's how you accelerate learning.
Episode 5
MentalModels.mp3 - powered by Happy Scribe
You're listening to the MentalNotes Podcast. In this episode, MentalNotes founder Scott Dow explains how to use mental models.
You don't think about a situation, you see the situation in your mind's eye. You bring to mind a mental picture of all the things you know and how they relate to one another. This is how you process large amounts of information quickly. Your mental picture is based on good information. If you have a good, clear picture of the situation, you're going to perform better.
I'm going to explain how you use mental pictures in your self-coaching practice. And I want to start with an experiment. I'm going to share some words. I'm going to bet it brings to mind a mental picture. So here we go. Travel, parade, turkey, football, family, pilgrim, shopping, pumpkin.
Now, I bet you I have you thinking about Thanksgiving. Let's take two of the words from that string and use them again. Parade, family, hot dogs, holiday fireworks, baseball, barbecue, flag. Now I bet you're thinking about the 4 July.
So here's how this works. We remember what words mean, but words have different meaning when they're grouped with other words. Football and pilgrim have their own meaning. They're distinct ideas or concepts, but when combined with turkey and pumpkin, they describe a situation that has much more complex meaning.
Here's your takeaway the human mind groups distinct concepts like turkey and pumpkin into models or pictures. Then we follow them away for future use. That's how we process large amounts of information quickly. A good mental picture serves for specific purposes. It allows us to plan, prepare, and predict for what's going to happen in the future.
When I travel for Thanksgiving, I plan to get to the airport early because I know it's going to be crowded. I prepare by wearing loose fitting jeans because I know I'm going to overeat, and I can predict how discussions about politics are going to go, so I avoid them. Mental pictures also help you solve problems.
Now, here's an example. I've turned political conversations into shopping discussions. It's my rule of thumb. It's a good way to keep the peace. Now you're a leader and you want to be able to handle different leadership situations. And to do that, you have to create the right mental models, the right mental pictures of those situations.
So how do you practice this? Well, we've talked about informal learning, learning by listening, watching, and asking questions, learning through trial and error. So you're going to be collecting different bits of information concepts with different meaning. It's not going to be turkey, football and parade. It might be listen, empathize, and clarify.
First thing you do is this, you create mental pictures around very specific leadership challenges. That's the point. Things like the new employee, the anxious employee, or the disgruntled team. You take these concepts, you learn, and you group them together in a useful way.
Second thing you do is this, you have to constantly update your mental images with new information. My new mental image of Thanksgiving includes a mess because I can't get on a plane without one. Third thing you do is this, create little rules of thumb. They're a key part of your mental image. Here's an example, like politics, I'm not going to bring up vaccine mandate. I'm going to bring up, I'm talking about Black Friday sales. That's my rule of thumb.
And the final thing you do is this, create mental images of what works. If I ask you to count to five and you count 1, 2, 4, 5, I immediately know what's missing. I can fix it quickly. Remember, a good mental image allows you to plan, prepare, and predict. And rules of thumb are going to help you solve problems quickly.
The whole purpose of continuous lifetime learning is to create refine and quickly recall mental models for success. We want you to learn with a purpose, and that purpose is to have a clear picture, a clear mental image of what works and what doesn't.
So a final thought. Sully Sullenberger landed a big passenger plane on the Hudson River. And all he had to work from was a mental image of the situation. Sure, he might have practiced in a flight simulator, but he had never actually done it before. He took everything he had learned conceptually about landing a huge plain in open water, and he quickly put it to use.
It was only three and a half minutes from the time he sent his Mayday call to the time he touched down in the river. With all the chaos and stress going on around him and within him, he was able to recall and act upon all he had ever learned about that situation. And he did it with a mental picture. The mental image of success is what he acted upon, and you can. Too.
Episode 6
Visualization.mp3 - powered by Happy Scribe
You're listening to the Mental Notes Podcast. In this episode, Mental Notes founder Scott Dow explains how to practice visualization.
So we're building out your self-coaching toolkit. By now, you know how to learn on the go and how to create mental images for certain situations. But now you have to simulate those situations. You have to mentally rehearse the things you want to do. This is called visualization. But most people really don't know what that is.
There's a right and a wrong way to practice visualization. If you get it right, it can change your life. If you get it wrong, it's just a waste of time. But we're going to help you get it right.
There are two types of visualization. First type focuses on what you want, the outcome. I want more money, I want that promotion, I want whatever. Well, the self-help industry focuses on this type of visualization, and it's all crap.
There are movies and books about the law of attraction. Now, that's the idea that if you want something and you focus on it enough, that you'll attract it into your life. It's a really nice idea, but it doesn't work. It's pseudoscience. There's no empirical scientific evidence supporting the law of attraction.
There's an old saying, you can wish in one hand and crap in the other, and see which one fills up first. The wish serves a useful purpose, but it doesn't get you real far. That's a good thought to keep in mind. Listen, I like vision boards too, but if that's all you've got, you're wasting your time.
The second type of visualization focuses on the process of getting what you want. Remember, a good mental image allows you to plan for, prepare for, and predict what's going to happen in the future. It allows you to overcome the obstacles in your way.
A vision board does none of that. You have to visualize the road to success. You have to see yourself in action. Remember, informal learning helps you create mental images, and mental images help you visualize. And visualization helps you act out what you're trying to accomplish.
So how do you practice visualization? First thing you do is this. Don't ignore the outcome. Think about the end results you want, go ahead and make your wish list.
Say you have a vision of leading your team through a challenging time. Put it out there. Use your mental picture to see the end result. Let yourself feel successful. Let yourself feel a sense of accomplishment. Go ahead and use the law of attraction. I won't tell anyone.
But the second thing is this. Once you see the end result, zoom out. See the wide angle shot of your mental image. See the end and then work backwards. What do you see yourself planning for? How do you see yourself preparing? Watch yourself in action. Take in the total picture you've created.
Think of it this way. You're creating this moving picture. You're taking your mental image and watching it play out. You're seeing yourself in action. Now zoom in on the challenges you see. Use a closer angle shot of the situation. Focus on the predictable roadblocks. See yourself applying your rules of thumb. The best practice is stored in your mental image. Watch yourself overcoming obstacles.
The final thing is this. Rewind the movie you've created. Play it back and forth. Mix in different settings and challenges. See yourself using different techniques. Watch the different outcomes play out. This is your chance to edit the movie, to make it better.
Keep this in mind, visualization is a practice technique, it's not a wish list. Arnold Schwarzenegger didn't wish his way to bodybuilding championships. He didn't wish his way into Hollywood or the governor's mansion.
He mentally rehearsed what it would take to accomplish each outcome. He envisioned the road to success and then he followed it. And you can too.
Episode 7
PurposfulPractice.mp3 - powered by Happy Scribe
You're listening to the Mental Notes podcast. In this episode, Mental Notes' founder Scott Dow explains how to practice with purpose.
There's an old saying that goes like this; practice makes perfect. But it doesn't. We want you to revise that saying into this; purposeful practice makes perfect. And here's why. You don't have a lot of time to practice and you have to practice while getting work done. We're not going to ask you to put in a lot of practice time because you don't have the time to give.
We're going to teach you how to practice in short bursts. But to do that, you're going to have to learn how to practice with purpose. Purposeful practice is focused, planned, goal-oriented, and feedback driven. This is how you weave practice into your daily routine.
First, you have to focus. To manage results, you have to be really good at giving directions, but don't practice just giving directions because that's too broad. You have to focus on things like giving a reason for your direction upfront, clarifying your expectations, offering people a good reason to act and holding people accountable. Focus allows you to hone in on a specific skill, and those are all very specific skills within the broader topic of giving direction.
Next, you have to have a practice plan and your plan has to be very specific. What are you going to practice? How are you going to practice? When are you going to practice? The plan allows you to work practice into your daily routine. Might sound like this: "I'm going to practice giving the reason upfront. I'm going to practice it my weekly, one on one and I'm going to focus on my underperformers." That's a plan.
Then you have to set practice goals. I'm going to practice in every one on one for the next month. I'm going to mentally rehearse for five minutes before each meeting. I'm going to self assess after every discussion, and I'm going to update my mental picture accordingly. Those are examples of practice goals. They give you something to work towards and a way to measure the progress you're making.
And finally you have to get feedback. That might sound like this. I'm going to read their body language, I'm going to gauge their response and I'm going to monitor their actions immediately following the meeting. Feedback helps you course correct while you're practicing. It's the only way to know if you're getting any better.
Remember, you don't want to groove skills you already have. Practice is really hard work. You have to grind. You're working on things that are outside of your comfort zone. For a new behavior to become second nature, you have to practice it. You have to repeat it over and over. You have to hardwire that new mental image into your brain. You have to be purposeful about your practice, and that takes focus, planning, goals, and feedback.
Remember, the better you practice, the better your results, the amount of practice doesn't matter, but the quality of practice really does.
Episode 8
ConstructiveThinking.mp3 - powered by Happy Scribe
You're listening to the MentalNotes podcast. In this episode, MentalNotes founder Scott Dow explains how to navigate difficult situations using constructive thinking.
So self-coaching is a really effective practice plan. But the former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson had this saying. He said, "Everyone has a plan until they get hit in the mouth."
Well, leadership is the same way. You're going to walk into meetings and have to share unpopular news. You're going to be asked to implement unpopular decisions, and many of your people won't agree with them. People are going to be angry and frustrated. They're going to bitch and complain. Their emotions are going to influence what you think, feel, and do. That's a form of getting hit in the mouth.
You're going to have to make a tough call on an employee that you really like. You're going to feel bad and second guess yourself. You're going to rationalize giving them one more chance, even though you know you shouldn't. That's another example of getting hit in the mouth.
Leaders are constantly getting punched in the mouth, but effective leaders choose and act on their best thoughts. That's what constructive thinking is all about. Now, I can tell you. To self-coach, you need to understand exactly how you think, where your thoughts come from and how to choose your best thoughts.
I'm going to share some research that may surprise you. You process tens of thousands of thoughts each day. Now, that probably surprises you because most of these thoughts are subconscious. The fact is, we live most of our lives on autopilot. 90 percent of our daily thoughts are subconscious.
Most behavior doesn't require conscious thinking. We don't have to think about our morning routine. We don't have to think about how we brush our teeth. Leadership is the same way. That's why it's important to build mental models and work on visualization exercises. It's because we want to hardwire the right behaviors into our subconscious.
But good decision-making and problem-solving require conscious thought. Most decisions and solutions that are driven by subconscious thought are way off base. All they do is trigger old behaviors that we're trying to change. So where do these conscious thoughts come from?
The brain has three operating systems: the habitual brain, the emotional brain and the rational brain. The habitual brain runs our autopilot. We don't have to think about hailing a cab, or brushing our teeth, or even walking. We just do it.
Now, conscious thoughts are triggered by both our emotional brain and our rational brain. We make decisions and solve problems based on emotional and rational thoughts. Now, no leader wants to make emotional decisions, but here's the problem. The emotional brain works five times faster than the rational brain. It's the way we're designed. Psychologists refer to our emotional brain as the primitive brain.
Now, that's not meant to be a negative characterization. It's just a fact. The emotional brain serves a very useful purpose. It's designed to look for signs of danger, it keeps us safe, it triggers emotions like fear, anger, or sadness, emotions we can quickly recognize and act on. It also triggers our freeze, fight, or flight response, all of which help you avoid danger.
The problem is this. The emotional brain gets a big head start on a rational brain, and it often leads us in the wrong direction. It's hard to choose your best thoughts when you're flooded with emotional thoughts. So you have to manage this emotional brain.
Now, here's a simple way to practice this. I want you to think of your rational and emotional brains as friends of yours. But like your friends, keep in mind that they have very different personalities. You've got this one friend that's just trying to help. They're kind of nervous and quick to act. They're super opinionated, and they like to hear themselves talk. Some of what they say is spot on. They mean well, but they're off and wrong, and they tend to get you really worked up. That's your emotional brain.
This other friend is much more thoughtful. They care about you too, but they're quiet. They're even a little shy. They don't say as much, but when they do, they say things that are really constructive. They're very thoughtful, and they tend to have a more calming influence on you. Well, that's your rational brain.
Here's the key takeaway. You need both these friends to make good decisions. Both can offer wise counsel, and both can mean well. But it's hard to get your emotional friend to shut up, and your more rational buddy won't weigh in until your emotional friend is done yapping.
So hear your emotional friend out. Deal with them first. Acknowledge, and thank them for their input. Tell them how much you value them. But then turn the floor over to your more rational friend. Give them time to think and listen intently to what they have to say. Don't rush them.
If you're like me, you value all your friends and all their quirky little personalities. But you're in control. You choose who to listen to. When I'm talking with buddies, I value what they all have to say, but I always consider the source, and I always try to talk with my more thoughtful buddies last. If you balance your emotional and rational thoughts the same way, you're going to choose your best thoughts.
Remember this. As a leader, you're going to get hit in the mouth. And when you do, that emotional buddy is going to have one reaction, and it's going to come quick. But your rational buddy is going to have another. I trust you know who to listen to.
Episode 9
SelfRefelction.mp3 - powered by Happy Scribe
You're listening to the MentalNotes Podcast. In this episode, MentalNotes founder Scott Dow explains how to practice self-reflection by using thinking breaks.
Have you ever looked back on a decision and wondered, what in the hell was I thinking? Sure you have. We all have. I know I have. Hindsight has got 20-20 vision because we can see how things played out. We can see the consequences of our actions. This is a form of self-reflection, but it's not the only form. To self-coach, you have to embrace self-reflection, but you have to do it in the right way.
Self-reflection has a past tense. It also has a present tense. You can look back at yourself or you can look within yourself. When you're looking back, you're using the past tense. When you're looking within, you're using the present tense. Both are important, but I can tell you the present tense is way more effective.
When you ask yourself, what the hell was I thinking? You're reflecting in the past tense. It's needed. It can be instructive, but it's after the fact the horse is already out of the barn. When you're in the heat of the moment, when you're living through the daily chaos, that's when you need to look within yourself. That's when self-reflection is at its most powerful. That's how you keep the horse from getting out of the barn.
But it's not easy. Like most of these self-coaching skills, it's easy to say, but really hard to do. You can practice this and you can get really good at it. Here's how. You practice by taking thinking breaks. All you do is stop and think about what you're thinking. It sounds simple, but it's not. It's both art and science. It's a professional, and it's a life skill. It's a skill you need to practice.
So a few things you need to know about thinking breaks. First thing is this, they can be planned or unplanned, and you need both. You need to plan thinking breaks into your daily routine, but you also have to call an occasional time out so you can take a shorter thinking break.
That leads me to the second thing. Thinking breaks can be really short, or they can take longer. Longer thinking breaks help you explore the bigger picture, while shorter timeouts, they're going to allow you to focus on more immediate issues. Now, whether you've planned the thinking break or call the time out, or whether you have five minutes or an hour to think, these same six best practices are going to apply.
First thing is this, eliminate distractions, turn the phone off, close your laptop, might even close your eyes. Second thing is this, tune into your emotions because the mood you're in is going to influence your thought process. Third thing is this, listen to yourself think. Your thoughts are just the way that you talk to yourself.
Fourth, don't judge. Just observe and accept your thoughts as they come to mind. Fifth thing, be empathetic. Show yourself a little compassion. Accept whatever it is you're feeling in that moment. And the final thing is this, call a friend. You want to tap into your rational brain that offers your more constructive thoughts.
Remember, conscious thoughts come from your rational or your emotional brain. And you can think of these as friends with very different personalities. At the end of your thinking break, I want you listening more to your rational friend. That's the friend you're going to call.
You can run through these six best practices in five minutes or less. Trust me, there are days I repeat this process half a dozen times or more. This is quick, present tense, self-reflection in action. I'm going to give you one other practice tip. Some days are going to really suck and your thinking breaks, they're going to be a struggle.
When you stop and think about what you're thinking, you're going to be stuck on one recurring thought, and this is it. The sky is falling. But trust me, it's not. When this happens, turn your thinking break into a gratitude break.
When I'm in a really bad mood, my emotional brain is chirping away. I let it go for a while. But then I draw a line in the sand, and I ask myself to focus on the good. I don't discount the bad. I just look for the good.
I'm not a big believer in positive thinking, but I'm a really big believer, a huge believer in realistic thinking. Humans are wired to fixate on the bad and that can create an unrealistically negative view of what's really going on. That's why people overreact. That's why we sometimes look back and have to say, what the hell was I thinking?
In the human mind, bad memories and negative thoughts are much stronger than good memories and positive thoughts. It's a heritable trait. Our prehistoric ancestors that all assume that good weather would eventually turn bad or that the person we just met could be a threat, they tended to survive longer than those with a poly end view of life. And they pass those instincts, that genetic code down to us. So we're stuck with this negativity bias.
But don't fall for it. A gratitude break hunts the good stuff, and I don't mean blind optimism. That's a recipe for failure. I want you to think about things that you're grateful for. The pleasant little surprises we tend to gloss over. This is a good way to calm down your emotional brain. It's a way to quiet that irrational, impulsive friend chirping in your ear. It gives your more rational friend a chance to think, and she'll think in a more balanced fashion.
So a quick summary. You can't self-coach if you can't self-reflect. And the best self-reflection happens in the heat of the moment. It's present tense, not past, while you're making decisions, not after the decision is made. Thinking breaks take skill and practice. The more times you take a thinking break, the better you'll get. And gratitude breaks will help you stay in the right frame of mind.
Episode 10
NextSteps.mp3 - powered by Happy Scribe
You're listening to the MentalNotes podcast. In this episode, MentalNotes founder Scott Dow explains a few next steps for self-coaching.
So here we are at the end of the self-coaching album, and we've covered a lot of ground. Now, these aren't simple concepts either. There are numerous books and academic journals devoted to each topic we've covered. We've tried to cover them quickly, and we tried to give you practice tips on where to start, but your self-coaching practice, it's going to take a lot of work. Here are four tips that will help. The people that really thrive with self-coaching do these same four things.
The first thing is this; they play the episode back and forth. When I got the Joshua Tree album, I bore that thing out. And every time I listened to it, I picked up something new, and noticed something different. Now, I'm not Bono, and I'm not saying this album is going to sell 25 million copies, but the episodes are short. They're easy to re-listen to.
The second thing is this; find a practice partner. Find someone that's as committed as you are to self-coaching and compare notes. It's like following U2 on tour. Others can help you embrace the message and find the nuance.
The next thing is this; start small. Focus. You don't have to master each skill right away. Focus on one episode, put in the work, then move to the next.
And the final thing is this; share the self-coaching system with others. The more you share, the more you explain, the more you engage others, the more likely these skills are going to become second nature.
Now the Joshua Tree album was just over 50 minutes long, and it had 11 songs. The self-coaching album is just over 50 minutes long, and it has 11 episodes too. I'm not promising a Joshua-Tree-like experience, but I can promise this, and we have loads of research to back it up; if you commit to the self-coaching practice, you'll perform better and live happier. And that's our goal.